3 weeks without Facebook so far.  I have not missed it much, except for when I think of these funny things to say and I have no where to say them.  I know I am the only one who reads this - so in a sense its like a form of prayer to blog - because I know no one else is hearing it.  Makes me think of all the dumb Christians who expected the rapture today that did not happen.  Darn.  I was looking forward to 144,000 less empty brained people in the world, but no such luck. 

I will say that I am encouraged by Lady Gaga's success, because it means there are much less conservative Christians in the US than the media would have us believe - otherwise, she would not be the number one selling artist right now.

Lets all address the pink elephant in the room.

Pat and I have been watching Dancing with the Stars and cheering on ADD addled Kirstie Alley.  She can actually move that chub around amazingly well.  The other night she wore a purple tutu.

Pat says "look at her in that tutu"
I say "I think in that size, its considered a fourfour"

WHY

The one word we should reinsert into our vocabulary is WHY.

We start out asking WHY but are soon discouraged from it.  By parents, by teachers, by gods.

They discouraged WHY because they did not know the answers and were afraid.  So they, and we, stopped asking WHY only for the guilt, shame and fear of not knowing.  And God was invented as the supreme reason to stop asking WHY.  How could anyone question the concept of God?

Start asking WHY again.  Not with a defiant or angry attitude, but of an attitude of curiosity and resolution.  Sometimes the answer may be I DON'T KNOW, and that is fine, but you will also be surprised at how many answers there are out there since you stopped asking the questions.

A shadow of a crow fell and rose on the pavement before my car.

A group of men having coffee together - smiles, gestures of familiarity.  I sit outside of their cirlce
and for the first time
I realize
I don't feel lonely anymore

No man is an island, but neither should he be Manhattan

You sit at the coffee shop.  There are 2 children jumping around with no apparent parental supervision.  Their aggressive movements awaken a mild rage within you - you hate them - but more, you hate the lazy parent who reads the paper, totally oblivious and feeling as if they deserve some sort of respite from the responsibility of bringing these environmentally irresponsible hateful hatchlings into this world and into this coffee shop.

Sure, you know how to back up and see the scene with empathy - but today you say "no" to empathy.  Fuck empathy.  You will allow the loathing at which point you look up and the children are now sitting quietly as if they had been invisibly spanked by your non-empathy.  You feel guilty for the tension.  You tell yourself you should invite them over and ask about their lives - this causes a good rise in anxiety - and now you feel guilty that you hate, that you rage, that you anxiet and that you guilt.

You realize you are tired of pretending to be happy, accepting, and excited about life.  You think maybe to acknowledge this will make you feel better - make you more pure, because it is brutal honesty.  You think your words will have an impact but quickly remember that no one else's words have ever made an impact on you.

You smile at the young family that passes by your table - baby in hand, baby in sling, baby at boob, they are all over.  You smile so they think you are a peaceful, friendly, lovely soul - oh the children are so precious.  You are lying to them and lying to yourself.  How much do you do that?  You do it when you are by yourself, when you are alone and no one else is around - you dream up people in your mind, in your silence to be fake with.

Why does everyone else look so satisfied?  So happy?  So content?  Feel the energy of it - there is rage and confusion choking the room so thick it soaks into the wood beams of the ceiling.

More children bound through the door with apathetic insolent parents in tow who will let them run free like the roaches they are and it starts all over again.

And you will let it.

How is it that we are able to think thoughts that contradict our beliefs?  Is this free will?  Or does it mean the belief is false?

All of this - I know in my heart, is all the way it is supposed to be and that all of this - this sitting around, is important.

What may look like a lazy waste of time is coming face to face with our fears and letting them haunt us for awhile until the ghosts grow tired and see we are no longer scared by their tactics.

It is trusting that no story is to be believed - not yours, not mine and no one else's - and the ones that judge with words are even more miserable than we were.

It is having faith that everything works out because it always has but now rather than being stressed and afraid and seeing it all work out - we are relaxed and excited and see it all work out.  Somewhere innately, we know this is ours and everyone's and we have tested it and found it to be true inwardly and outwardly.

These are the days of dust settling - the days of discovery - of being bored and being okay with it.  We prove our old stories wrong by not telling them anymore and seeing that out of the not telling, a new story begins - an organic one that tells itself.

Choose change for yourself, or other will do it for you.

Its not what others think of you that should concern you - its what you think others are thinking that is the real problem.

Thoughts are the planets that rotate around the gravity of our emotion.

I feel it - what is around me refusing to be ignored any longer - standing there defiantly - hands on hips, as tears roll down my cheeks in response to the confrontation, tears like sighs of possible acceptance - but also of disbelief that anything has changed.

Funny how the truth can't be numbed forever, even though I try to keep her at bay throughout the day - knowing sweet sleep will keep her away until  I awake and when I awake she is perched on the side of the bed, staring me in the face.

Why is each look so loaded?

And sometimes she can't wait like an insolent hungry cat - licking your eyelids awake because her incessant meowing failed to rouse.

Choking on the air that is supposed to be keeping me alive - its all raw and possibly poisonous like the cookie dough you left sitting on the counter all afternoon and its all ridiculous like the dilemma it presents upon return - as if there were more than one choice that you wouldn't be severely punished for.  

Happy 10th Anniversary Pat :-)

So for our 10 yr anniversary Pat and I wanted to do something special and big to celebrate. We ended up buying a house in Santa Fe and moving into it. Pretty big and special. I'm thinking for the 20 year maybe a house in the Caribbean.

Moving from Madison, WI to Santa Fe, NM on Nov 1st. I can hardly wait! It has been such a journey of emotional ups and downs - but its hard to put into words how right this move is.

Pat and I drove to Santa Fe a couple months ago - we had been considering a move there for the last 3 yrs - we wanted to drive there and see if we still felt it. The first day there we just looked at each other and knew we had to do it!

Will try to update this a little more often!